I want you to know that I haven’t always been fit, nor have I always loved my body.
I sure as heck haven’t always loved myself.
It took me a long time and years of heartbreak, self-destructive behavior, and lacking passion in my life to finally understand how intimate the relationship between loving yourself, loving your body, and being fit really is.
Challenges with my weight and body image started when I was very young. I distinctly remember growing up with a burning desire for a body that would look slender in any outfit.
I remember comparing myself to other girls and feeling envious of their thinness. I always felt fat and heavy and to avoid feeling shameful, I would hide in the fabric folds of sweatshirts two sizes too big.
I remember pulling at my body in the mirror, forcing back the fat on my tummy and the cellulite on my thighs to feel for a moment how light I would be and how thin I would look without extra baggage.
In my last year of high school, I went on a diet. I cut out junk food and started pumping my legs back and forth like a maniac on the elliptical, eagerly watching as the ‘calories burned’ soared to higher and higher numbers.
Quite quickly, I started to notice positive changes in my body. I was hooked.
I felt a surge of confidence with every pound that disappeared and I started to get compliments and attention. I felt radiant and desirable and for the first time in my life, I could try on any outfit and my body would look great. I was on top of the world.
To my dismay, skinny didn’t last.
Sticking to a diet became too hard. Ice cream became easy. Running for an hour on the treadmill next to soaking up the sun by the pool with friends just didn’t compare. After all, if you don’t enjoy something, why continue to do it?
With my initial stroke of skinny, a vicious cycle started to brew that seemed to get worse with each and every year. When my abs started to fade and my love handles started to droop, I would start running and dieting again. I would get thin, only to trudge back to my favorite clothing store a year later, needing to purchase the next size up in jeans.
During these roller coaster times—yes, I struggled with consistency to exercise and eat healthy—but even deeper than both of these things, I struggled in my relationships with men.
I was always drawn towards the damaged ones and in return, I was always left damaged. To cope with my feelings of brokenness and battered self-worth, I fell into a pattern of initial under eating and then overeating. I couldn’t stop eating even after I was approaching uncomfortable fullness. There was an emptiness inside that an ice cream sundae, a few Oreos, and a piece of cake could fill.
I also lacked true passion in my life.
I was stuck in a job that I no longer enjoyed. Each week, it became more and more difficult to get up and drag myself into work. I thought this was how it was supposed to be—you know, adulthood and that straight and narrow path to career success.
To cope with my unhappiness and the stress that my job hammered down on me, I would eat whole cartons of Ben & Jerry’s, Peanut Butter, Banana, & Fluff Sandwiches, cookies, candy, chips… you name it—just absolute garbage. I felt better for a little while, but then the guilt would set in and I would start to worry about how all those extra calories would show up on my body.
I experienced my rock bottom moment after a particularly heart wrenching break up. Another relationship in which I was devalued, played for the fool, rejected and left alone to pick up the pieces of a life I thought I finally had right.
This “life,” though, was anything but right. I had thrown my health to the wind and spent many nights partying until the early morning hours with a person whom I was unable to be authentic with. I spent very little of my time attending to my own needs and desires and instead, had entangled myself in a dysfunctional life of illusion.
After the break up, I decided something drastic needed to happen. I needed an intervention.
I was unhappy with myself, my body, my job—something needed to change.
The intervention came in the form of an eight-week long road trip across the U.S. as a means to heal and to discover myself within the beauty and the freedom of nature and the road.
What came out of my adventure was the blossoming of the new life that I lead now.
I learned on that trip, that I AM THE CREATOR OF MY OWN REALITY.
With this major shift in mindset, I returned from that trip with a bigger vision and a forceful motivation to make changes. I am happy to report that I no longer struggle to exercise consistently. I have found a form of training that I love—that transforms my body and makes me feel strong, both physically and mentally. I no longer overeat or soothe myself with food, either. I’ve learned how to fuel my body with healthy foods and how to truly enjoy these foods, while also not over indulging or feeling guilty about eating the treats that I love. I’ve developed my intuition and now operate in the world with trust in my own inner guidance, which helps me to make decisions about which situations and people are best for me. Lastly, I QUIT my life-sucking job and instead, am actively pursuing my passion for health, wellness, and fitness.
Since initiating all of these changes, I’ve noticed that my weight has stopped fluctuating. I am finally in a place where I can say that I LOVE my body. I’m proud of my body and all of the inner growth that it represents.
It’s now very clear for me to see that all of the challenges I had—poor body image, a poor relationship with food, poor relationship choices, poor career choices—were a mirror that reflected my lack of love for myself.
Since taking the first step to commit to changing my body and my life, the love I have for myself has only magnified and the quality of my life has only improved. I now share my life with a wonderful man who deeply loves me and supports me and opportunities that are in complete alignment with my passion and vision continue to flow freely onto my path.
It is now my mission to help women like you, who may struggle in similar ways that I did, to achieve your fit body, so that you may also experience the benefits of long lasting confidence, self-love, and balance and of course, to make your long standing desire come true to feel great in any outfit you choose to put on.
If I can overcome my struggles with poor body image and a poor relationship with food and achieve and fall in love with my fit body and the life that I live, then I know you can too.
I BELIEVE IN YOU and I am confident that I can provide you with the support, tools, and information to help you arrive at the same place that I have.